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Why won't they respect me? (Why it's so hard for new managers.)

  • Robert Scheffler
  • Feb 22, 2017
  • 4 min read

Respect is the single most coveted, and yet elusive thing for new managers to obtain. It’s also a vitally important element for any leader to be successful. Without a healthy level of respect for the leader, a team will never reach its potential. Without a basic level of respect for the leader, a team will simply cease to function, as a new informal power structure takes hold, and the “leader” becomes irrelevant and eventually replaced.

So what can you do to get your team to respect you? The answer is surprisingly simple… Stop trying to get your team to respect you.

First off, it’s important to remember that respect is always earned, and never given. As it turns out, the process of earning respect is much like a Chinese finger trap… the harder you pull and try to force it, the tighter it gets, and the harder it is to get out of. This is without a doubt the most common trap that new managers fall into. They try to make their team respect through brute force. They use the power of their position to flex their administrative muscles, and show that they are the alpha dog in the pack. And it never works. If you are doing this, and it seems to be working, I can assure you that it is not. What you ARE getting is called compliance, which should never be confused with respect, although on the surface they can appear similar. A compliant person will do what you tell them… and not a lick more. A person who respects you, however will do everything they can for the benefit of the department or organization.

On the flipside the slightly less common, but equally dangerous trap new managers get into is to try to get respect by being super-lenient and popular. They go into people-pleasing mode, and try to make everyone happy by relaxing the expectations, and avoiding conflict and accountability at all costs. While this approach may create a temporary sugar rush of joy, it will quickly crash as the top performers become resentful of the bottom ones, and professionalism breaks down.

I’m not picking on new managers here. Every experienced manager was once a new manager, and any seasoned leader who says they never made mistakes when they began is either too insecure about their own abilities to admit it to themselves, or just flat out lying to you.

So if respect is so vital, and we can’t force others to give it to us, then how can a new manager earn 1it’s hard, but simple, and depends on one of two possible ways you got the job to begin with;

1. The promotion from within – If your promotion just converted you from co-worker to boss overnight, then I’m sorry to say, the road is going to be a bit more difficult for you. Being the new leader of a team you were recently part of presents many additional challenges over being hired or promoted from the “outside”. (I will address more of these obstacles in other posts, but for simplicity will stick only to the respect issue here) In this case, it helps to confront the issue directly by having individual conversations with each of your teammates. You may say something like “This will be an adjustment for all of us, but I want you to know I’m committed to the success of this department, and your success in particular. Now, what do you need from me?” From here, you shut your mouth and open your ears. If necessary, give each individual an opportunity to air any grievances, or lodge any complaints without fear of retribution. It can be a scary thought to do this, but trust me, it’s always better to get issues out into the open, than let them fester and turn into resentments. As human beings we are naturally wired to avoid conflict, but sometimes we need to resist the impulse to ignore the white elephant in the room, and air out any differences for the greater good. THIS would be one of those times. Like I said… It’s hard, but simple.

2. The promotion from outside – If you are new to the organization or team, you have a decided advantage. You are more likely to receive the benefit of the doubt that you are competent and capable until you prove otherwise. Use this “grace period” wisely, by establishing your expectations and standards, and soliciting input from the experts… the people you will now be leading, that know more about what they do and how they do it than you do. The impulse here is often to expect your new team to prove to you why YOU should respect THEM. I urge you to resist this impulse, and hand out respect for free. Remind yourself that you are the one that needs to earn their respect, not the other way around. Most people will reciprocate it quickly, which will establish a culture of mutual respect that spreads like wildfire.

The thing to remember through all of this, is that a boss-employee relationship is fundamentally different from any other relationship you have in your life outside of work. Being a leader is not the same thing as being a parent, a friend, or a relative. Leadership is a semi-consensual agreement between two parties. The leaders agree to provide guidance, direction and support, and those being led agree to be guided, directed and supported. The fact that it’s semi-consensual means there is an imbalance of power and responsibility. The boss gets the formal power, as well as bears the responsibility for setting the example. Any boss that expects the people who report to him or her to behave more respectfully than they do themselves is just that... a boss… and only a boss (and an ineffective one at that). A LEADER, on the other hand, earns respect by giving it first, giving it freely, and giving it often.


 
 
 

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